Breathless

Very brief, very quick catchup

2006-11-09T05:10:56Z

Dad was hospitalized yesterday. His BP was 53/38. His blood ox sat level was 82. He's down to 121 pounds.

Last week his GP basically sent him home to die.

This week we saw his oncologist, who didn't think Dad was to that point. He hospitalized him, assured me he'd coordinate Dad's care and had a Pulmonary Specialist performing a bronchoscopy three hours after they admitted him. Also a cardiologist was to see him today.

How's that for care?

Pulmonary Specialist believes that what was happening was a prolonged (3 week!) asthma or emphysema attack. Dad's never had either, so duh, we didn't know what was going on. His GP should have.

They got Dad on a bronchildilator and boom, within 24 hours most of his symptoms relating to respiration are gone .. his blood O2 sat is back up to 94-96 range. He's no longer breathing at triple the normal rate. He isn't gasping for air or fighting to breathe. He can actually talk in full sentences (and more) instead of struggling to get just one word out. Amazing the difference in him.

Tomorrow I find out the results of the echocardiogram that was to be done today.

Do you hear what I hear?

2006-10-23T03:00:51Z

I have this weird taste in music. Some people are hardcore band fans, loving everything their favorite band/singer does. Others are that way with genres.

Me ... I'm all over the place. I go by the song, the beat and the lyrics of it. I don't care who sings it if I like it, and just because I like that particular song doesn't mean I'll automatically love everything they do. There is no telling what will pop up on my CD player at any given time. Especially when I burn my own mixes, which I usually do whenever I get a new favorite song.

Current Mix CD:

Lips of an Angel - Hinder My current #1 favorite song. I've damn near worn this "track" plum off the CD. I think I've had this CD for hmm a week or 10 days and it dawned on me the day before yesterday that I had no clue what the other tracks were because I keep hitting repeat. LOL

Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry Bumped down to #2 favorite song by Lips of an Angel. I listened to this song constantly and still plan on making a tag/letter with some of the lyrics. Just as soon as I can find a graphic I like.

Hell's Bells - AC/DC Blast from the past, I guess. Not my #3 song .. the rest of these are in random order. What's hysterical is that JD was in the car with me and grumbling about "That screeching shit" (Crazy Bitch, which he was floored by. Well, either it was the lyrics or the fact that I was listening to it. lol) and I just looked at him and said "Screeching shit? What's wrong with it?" and he says "You can't understand a damn thing they are saying!" So, in a moment of retribution/defense I punched the button to track three and Hell's Bells popped up. I looked at JD and said "Know this song?" and he goes "Oh hell yeah! Damn good song!" and about that time out comes the "screeching" and driving bass. I managed to stifle the desire to bat my lashes, but I said "Can you understand the words?" and he just looked out the side window and muttered "Shuddup". Hehehe, I win.!

Take It Like A Man - Michelle Wright Old song, but one that I really connected with a few years ago. Sentiments haven't changed.

Wings of a Butterfly - HIM Zach got me hooked on this one. Sometimes that kid has really good taste in music. Other times, not so much.

Foxy Foxy - Rob Zombie During a D&D game one night, one of the characters said something about us needing horses to ride, and I asked out of character "would those be educated horses?". No one said a word for a few moments then I get "I'm stunned you listen to Zombie." LMAO! I had to explain that I'm a skater mom, not a soccer mom. It's so much fun to play with guys. *g*

Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie Love the beat and tempo of this one.

Dragula - Rob Zombie This one is on track 8 because Dragula is ALWAYS on track 8 of every CD I burn. It started out purely coincidentally, but now it's a given. I love this song. Love to blast it and either headbang or haul ass, depending on if I'm in town or on the interstate. I predict that this song will be the cause of me getting a speeding ticket. You just can't drive the speed limit while listening to it. I swear. Try it!

Streets Have No Name - U2 Another of those old ones that I still like. Besides the fact that Bono is sexy as hell, I love the soaring notes.

??? - ?? Haven't got a clue what the hell this one is. I think it is the japanese version of Crazy Frog, but who knows. The boys like it. They like the bounciness of it. It made it onto the CD by pure mistake.

Days Go By - Dirty Vegas I like the smooth voice of the singer, and that's about it.

Love Me When I'm Gone - 3 Doors Down This isn't exactly an angry song, but it's got that angry song forcefulness and power to it. I happen to like hard and driving. ;-) *purr*

See, toldja. I'm all over the map.

And that's just one of 6 CD's in my CD player. The only commercial CD is Nickelback. The rest are mixes that either I or Zach made.

Bah

2006-10-19T13:43:25Z

Off to another doctor's appointment with Dad today. This time it's his cardiologist.

Dad insists that it's just a follow up.

I didn't hear anything about a follow up, other than the one set for December. If this had been a follow up, they'd have set it when we left the last time, instead of just calling out of the blue - and not coincidentally, after getting the results from Dad's 24 hour halter monitor.

Let's review - I go with Dad now to his appointments primarily to be the ears. He is terribly hard of hearing and misses a bunch of stuff.

Sooo he's saying it's a follow up and I didn't hear anything about a follow up.

Yeah, I'm worried.

**Edit: Everything is fine. The doctor just wanted to increase one of Dad's meds and needed to talk to him about it.

What does 40 mean?

2006-10-18T13:43:37Z

Because I'm a sucker for these things, I went to this birthday calendar site to find out all about me.

28 October 1966

Your date of conception was on or about 4 February 1966 which was a Friday.

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Scorpio.
Your Life path number is 6.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2439426.5.
The golden number for 1966 is 10.
The epact number for 1966 is 8.
The year 1966 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/21/1966 and ending 2/8/1967.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Horse.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Snake; your plant is Thistle.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Tyby, the first month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 14 Heshvan 5727.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.17.13.3.2 which is
12 baktun 17 katun 13 tun 3 uinal 2 kin

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 10 April 1966.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 10 April 1966.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 23 February 1966.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 29 May 1966.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 5 June 1966.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 15 September 1966.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 5 April 1966.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 22 February 1966.

As of 10/18/2006 9:32:29 AM EDT
You are 39 years old.
You are 480 months old.
You are 2,086 weeks old.
You are 14,600 days old.
You are 350,409 hours old.
You are 21,024,572 minutes old.
You are 1,261,474,349 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

Joaquin Phoenix (1974)	Julia Roberts (1967)	Daphne Zuniga (1962)
Bill Gates (1955)	Bruce Jenner (1949)	Dennis Franz (1944)
Charlie Daniels (1936)	Cleo Laine (1927)	Jonas Salk (1914)

Top songs of 1966

I'm a Believer by Monkees	The Ballad of the Green Berets by S/Sgt. Barry Sadler
Winchester Cathedral by New Vaudeville Band	Soul and Inspiration by Righteous Brothers
Monday, Monday by The Mama's & the Papa's	We Can Work It Out by Beatles
Summer In the City by Lovin' Spoonful	Cherish by Association
You Can't Hurry Love by Supremes	Wild Thing by Troggs

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 5.71428571428571 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

There are 10 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 40 candles.

Those 40 candles produce 40 BTUs,
or 10,080 calories of heat (that's only 10.0800 food Calories!) .
You can boil 4.57 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1966 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1966 the US population was approximately 179,323,175 people, 50.6 persons per square mile.
In 1966 in the US there were approximately 1,800,000 marriages (9.3%) and 479,000 divorces (2.5%)
In 1966 in the US there were approximately 1,712,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1966 the population of Australia was approximately 11,704,843.
In 1966 there were approximately 223,731 births in Australia.
In 1966 in Australia there were approximately 96,061 marriages and 9,859 divorces.
In 1966 in Australia there were approximately 103,929 deaths.

Your birthstone is Tourmaline

The Mystical properties of Tourmaline

Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is

Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

There are 68 days till Christmas 2006!
There are 81 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.

I've decided (because I'm such a decisive person, yanno) to go with that whole strange phenomenon that a lot of first time mothers have of referring to their child as "__ months old" up until the kid is heading off for college.

I'm 480 months old!

Skeptical? Who? Me?

2006-10-18T06:04:24Z

Foley will give archdiocese name of alleged abuser - CNN.com:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Former Florida Rep. Mark Foley will tell the Archdiocese of Miami the name of the priest he says abused him as a young man, his attorney said Tuesday.

"Mark Foley is intending to work with the Archdiocese of Miami and Greater West Palm Beach for the purpose of revealing the name of the particular priest who is involved so the archdiocese can then deal appropriately with the issue," said Gerald Richman, one of Foley's attorneys.

Richman said, however, he will not press criminal charges against the still-unnamed clergyman because of the difficulties the case would face.

"We've basically concluded that there's no basis to file criminal charges because of a number of legal obstacles, one of which is the statute of limitations," Richman said. "We're talking about issues that happened 36 to 38 years ago."

Richman said Foley decided to be open about his alleged abuse and struggle with alcoholism as a form of therapy.

"This is all part of the healing process for Mark Foley," said Richman. "He thinks it's important to go ahead and bring this information out and hope and encourage other people who have been similarly abused to go ahead and come forward."

Richman said Foley would accept an offer of counseling from the Archdiocese of Miami.

Gimme a break. Being molested is no excuse for molesting. First it was lies about the content of the email, then came the damning IM's, then poof, Foley runs off to Rehab, and now it's molestation.

Yeah. I'm having a real hard time believing he had an alcohol problem or was molested.

Yes! Oh No!

2006-10-17T16:00:29Z

My kid passed his driver's test and now has a learner's permit! YAY!

My kid passed his driver's test and now has a learner's permit! Oh Shit!

Actually, I'm very proud of him. He took it yesterday and missed four over the limit, so he had to go back today to take it again. He says he studied for Monday's test but umm ... yeah. I know he studied last night because I studied with him, helping to pull out the important parts from the other rambling text and rewording the statements into terms he could remember.

I was pretty sure he'd do ok, but I have to admit that there was a part of me that was really worried. I just knew we'd have to pull him out of driver's ed in school, because he couldn't keep missing first and second period to keep taking these tests.

I tell ya, between Zach getting his permit, Tanner walking around telling everyone and their mother that he's going to be a whole decade old in a few weeks, and my own 40th birthday* on the 28th of this month, staring me in the face, I'm feeling down. Yeah yeah, I know all the cliche's, but c'mon, you hit your forties and boom, you are considered "middle aged". That means that statistically half your life is over. This sucks.

I want a do-over.

*I have decided to change it from a Birthday to a "Gimme Presents Day", sidestepping the whole age issue once and for all.

Newest favorite song

2006-10-15T05:44:31Z

HINDER - LIPS OF AN ANGEL LYRICS:

Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Let it die
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreampt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No, I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Let it die
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Let it die
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(let it die,I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late

Nevermind the glass of water

2006-10-06T13:31:03Z

CNN.com - Developer of rectal treatment for hiccups earns distinction - Oct 5, 2006:

Dr. Francis Fesmire said he wasn't sure whether he was honored or embarrassed when he learned he'd won an Ig Nobel for his paper called -- ahem -- "Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage."

"I'm a serious guy, and something I wrote in 1987 is coming back to haunt me," said Fesmire, an emergency physician and director of the emergency heart center at Erlanger Medical Center in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Fesmire, who stresses he is a real doctor who "someday wishes to truly be remembered for my cardiac research," tried the technique for the first and last time nearly 20 years ago.

He knew that the technique could be used to slow a rapid heartbeat by stimulating the vagus nerve. The same nerve, when stimulated, can stop hiccups.

"I saw this patient who couldn't stop his hiccups. I tried these other maneuvers, and then I stuck my finger in his bottom," Fesmire said, emphasizing that it was the treatment of last resort. "Will I ever do it again? No?"

Penguins rule!

2006-09-28T06:19:16Z

I've been wrestling all day with the new layout of my journal. Too many choices, not enough choices.

I was irked that LJ doesn't provide counters, cuz I'm a stat whore yanno. I was more than a bit miffed when I realized that MySpace actually gives you the counters and stuff yet LJ doesn't. I was thisclose to moving over there.

Then I saw them.

Penguin mood icons!!! Adorable penguin mood icons!!!!!

I'm staying put.

Hopeful, but cautious

2006-09-27T18:46:51Z

In an ironic twist, Dad called me last night to check to see how I was feeling. I have to admit that it made me smile. Not that he was checking up on me, cuz that's a given, but that for ONCE it wasn't him we were all concerned about.

Damn, that sounds all wrong.

I mean it's nice to know that we all have the breathing room now and don't feel the urge to call him every 15 minutes to make sure he's ok.

He saw his oncologist yesterday. I couldn't go because of the flu. The last thing a room full of oncology patients needs is for someone with any type of contagion to walk in and infect them. I hated not being there with him, but better safe than sorry. The doc has discontinued his weekly Procrit shots because his hemoglobin is finally about 13.

His LDL (LDH? bah, I can't ever remember that one) is still slightly elevated, which is worrisome, as that marker is an indicator of possible lymphoma activity. But, another possible reason for the elevation was the blood thinner that has been recently discontinued. It's possible that it's registering high because Dad's blood is still thin from it. I'm trying really hard not to panic or think negative thoughts, but we've already been through one failed remission.

Dad has already stated that he will not go through chemo again. I don't know if he'd stick to that if he slides back into lymphoma, but the last mega dose of chemo they gave him right before the stem cell transplant landed him in the hospital and damn near killed him. He said he's not going through that again.

Dad has a PET scan scheduled for tomorrow, so we'll know more soon.

Prayers gladly accepted.

The Support Tag

2006-09-27T04:18:05Z

The cancer support tag that I talked about a few entries ago.
I've had an INCREDIBLE response to them, with lots of people feeling the same way I do about getting lost in the sea of colors of ribbons and bands.

breathless66 @ 2006-09-26T01:23:00

2006-09-26T06:31:27Z

I've learned that when I'm sick, seriously sick, like with the flu, as I am now, it annoys the holy hell out of me to be asked how I am doing every 10 to 15 minutes.

Geeze!

You can only say "I'm ok" for so long before you wanna just scream "I'm SICK for crying out loud! I have the flu! I can't breathe out of my nose, I can't stop sneezing, I'm coughing so hard it feels like my shoulders high five each other when I cough, My eyes are watering and I hurt in places that I didn't even know had friggen muscles with which to ache. How the HELL do you think I am?"

But you can't scream that.

Nope.

Cuz it'd kill your scorched throat.

~whimper~

I heart Dad's Docs!

2006-09-25T18:02:34Z

Dad saw his cardiologist last Thursday and the Doc wasn't all that worried about his heart. The issues that alarmed the doctors during Dad's hospital stay in the In Patient Oncology unit had all been documented previously by this cardiologist and were found to be non-alarming. In fact, the cardiologist believes that Dad's heart flutters are something he's had all his life. He sent Dad home with a halter monitor that monitored Dad's heart for 24 hours, and told Dad to just mail it back to him and to plan on seeing him in 3 months, provided nothing alarming showed up on the monitor.

The cardiologist also discontinued the daily Lovenox injections. Thank you god! I never felt like he needed to be on it, that it was a case of the APN overreacting to one of the heart flutter episodes. So now Dad is down to seeing just his home oncologist, the one he originally started with, once a week. They draw his blood and run labs, then give him a weekly Procrit shot, which will stop once his hemoglobin level rises above 13.

The last labs he had done showed that his LDH level (I think) was elevated. That was a bit worrisome, as an elevation in that level is one of the signs of lymphoma. However, it can also be elevated because of the blood thinner he was one (the Lovenox). The oncologist, who is also a hemotologist (so the man knows all about the workings of blood), didn't like the fact that Dad was on Lovenox just as a "possible precaution" and wanted him off of it if the cardiologist saw no reason for him to be on it.

Have I mentioned that I lurve Dad's oncologist and cardiologist?

Don't get me wrong, the Med Center did an excellent job with Dad's stem cell transplant, and the patient care there was top notch. The problem was that this is a University hospital -- yep, a teaching one. Which means you don't have one doctor, but a whole committee. This has its pros and cons. While you have the benefit of a whole team of doctors working on your case, you also have a whole team of doctors working on your case. That means, everything is done by committee and it never fails that at least half of that committee is out of the loop at any given point in time. There was very little one on one. Dad said he felt like he didn't have "a doctor" while he was being treated there, and while he did have one doctor that was his primary doctor, this primary doctor couldn't make any major decisions on his own without consulting the committee. I have lost count of the times we had to give Dad's history to different people. It got old fast.

Being back with his original oncologist, who is very much a one on one type of physician, and with his un-panicking cardiologist has relaxed Dad and I tremendously. They don't look at Dad as a guinea pig or a case study, wanting to see what else they can find. Nope. They treat the issue and then leave things alone. They aren't neglectful, they just believe in treating the primary presenting problem. They also take the time to listen to Dad and me as well as answer any and all questions we may have. We've had a lot.

All of this has had a major impact on Dad's emotional state. He's happy again. He's joking around. He smiles and laughs now -- real smiles and laughs. His energy level isn't back to 100%, that'll take time, but he is gaining some back. Enough now that he's driving again. Now, that's not to say that he tromps after Mom as she goes merrily up and down the aisles at Wallyworld. He's not quite up to that yet, but he has no problem driving her where she needs to go. He just takes a book and sits in the truck, reading and napping. His appetite is returning, as is his sense of taste. He's lost all of his bloatedness from the Prednisone and is back down to his normal weight of 145 lbs. Yep, 145. Drives me nuts. The man can eat anything and everything and not gain an ounce. Where were those DNA threads when I was being formed I ask ya??

Anyway, things are getting better and we're about to concede that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.

About to.

Ohhhhhhhhhh!

2006-09-23T05:35:05Z

Penguin Gift Shop - Shopping for Penguin Gifts, Toys & Apparel :: Stuffed Toys :: Perry Penguin Stuffed Animal:

~squeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!~~

Brain Mush

2006-09-20T16:41:51Z

Because I want to do a post, but am finding no topic particularly interesting, I decided to have fun with Meme's. Quit groaning. I know, I know - a vast majority of them are horribly adolescent, but with enough searching you can find Meme's that have some fun questions mixed in with the standard fare.

Besides, I find it much easier most of the time to tell people about myself by answering questions. Somehow just blurting it all out kinda seems pretentious. Yeah, I'm weird. Go figure

1. Full name:
I refuse to answer this one on the basis that my middle name is highly uncommon and even though a Google search of the correct spelling of it returns 641,000 results, I value the privacy. Let's just go with Ash, shall we?

2. What colour underwear are you wearing?
Wow, talk about cutting to the chase! None, at the moment.

3. What are you listening to right now?
A fan, and my keystrokes. With two active kids, two rambunctious dogs, one hubby who likes to snicker and make snide comments TO the tv -- I suffer from sound overload at times. When they are gone, I cherish the quietness.

4. Are your legs crossed?
Yep, and folded up in the chair with me. Bad habit of mine that I apparently do constantly, as I now have dents in my thighs from where they rest against the armrests of the chair.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
A few slices of smoked turkey.

6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Hello? Pink.

7. How is the weather right now?
Cooling off. It's just at that "perfect" phase I wish would last year round. Warm enough to comfortably wear shorts and a tee, along with sandals, but cool enough where you feel like you are breathing through a damp sponge. It'll be in the mid-70's this week.

8. Last person you talked to on the phone?
My 15 year old, telling me that his friend's mom was going to bring him home, last night.

9. First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Body language and facial expression. I want to know if the guy is comfortable in his own skin, and if he doesn't seem to be, I immediately wonder why. (Bet ya'll thought I was gonna say his ass. Nah, that's third, after shoulders/chest)

10. Do you like the person who sent you this?
No one sent it to me, I found it on the web. Originally it was one of those email survey things that for some reason annoy the fuck out of me.

11. How are you today?
Pretty good, all things considered.

12. Favourite non-alcoholic drink?
Mtn Dew. For years I'd drink it almost exclusively. I'm trying to cut down on caffeine though and have switched to Dr. Pepper. Yeah, I know it still has caffeine, just not as much and there's no way in hell I plan on cold-turkeying.

13. Favourite alcoholic drink:
Lemon Drops - although I rarely drink any more. I'm one of those people who prefer not to taste the alcohol in my drinks. So to sit down with a glass of wine doesn't appeal to me at all.

14. Favourite sports:
Flirting. Oh yes it is too a sport!

15. Hair colour:
Blonde, with blonder highlights.

16. Eye colour:
Green

17. Do you wear contacts?
Nope. I've tried them several times in the past, but the shape of my eyeballs makes it hard to find contacts that are comfortable. This sucks because I really wish I could get rid of my glasses.

18. Siblings?
One younger brother, whom I still want to trade for a puppy. Any takers?

19. Favourite month:
Errr - damn, a question I'm having to actually think about. Probably May. That's when it starts to really warm up here. Bah .. favorite month?

20. Favourite food:
Seafood - Lobster Bisque, steamed lobster tails, garlic shrimp, crab legs, and yep, even deep fried southern catfish. Although, if you took me to a fancy restaurant and they brought me a fish with the head still attached, I'd freak.

21. Last movie you watched:
Intentionally? I mean like from start to finish and not one you trip over while channel surfing? Hmmm. The last movie that I stuck in the DVD with the express purpose of watching was Brokeback Mountain. Needless to say, I don't watch a lot of movies. I just don't seem to have the time.

22. Favourite day of the year:
Christmas, because in my family it's a very laid back, low key day. We purposely do it this way to relax after all the chaos that goes on leading up to it. We open presents at home, then load up and go to Mom and Dad's, where we eat a huge breakfast consisting of every day breakfast fare - eggs, biscuits, sausage, gravy - then do the presents thing with them and my brother and his wife. Then we all just laze around and visit, maybe play cards or with one of the games the kids get. We usually have a platter of cold cuts and people can wander in and out of the kitchen and nibble as they want. Then we head home for naps. We don't do the huge traditional meal thing where everyone has to dress up and figure out which blasted fork to use.

23. Saturday or Sunday?
Monday - cuz it means everyone goes back to school/work and I get the house to myself again! YAY!

24. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Nope. Where would you like to go?

25. Do you like Marmite?
Marmite?

26. Summer or winter?
Summer. I loathe winter. I start getting cold when the temp drops below 68, and then I'm miserable. I just can't get warm.

27. Hugs or kisses?
Actually, I prefer hugs.

28. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate ice cream, but I like French Vanilla hot chocolate. Toldja I'm weird.

29. Do you want your friends to write back?
Another e-mail question, which doesn't really apply here. Comments are welcome, as are trackbacks to ya'll's answers.

30. Who is most likely to respond?
Ya got me.

31. Who is least likely to respond?
Michael.

32. Living arrangements:
One husband, two kids - and their army of friends, it seems - two dogs, all in a nice four bedroom (one's an office)/ 2 bath brick house, located in a new, safe, and kid friendly subdivision.

33. What books are you reading?
Morrigan's Cross by Nora Roberts. It's the first in a trilogy. I have no idea if it's new or if it's been out for awhile. I ran across it at the grocery store and grabbed it. I am a big fan of Nora's work and have read all the books she has written under the pen name J. D. Robb. I'm just now delving into her "Nora" books and I'm liking those as well. So far in Morrigan's Cross, I've been introduced to a powerful and sexy wizard, a centuries old queen vampire, the wizard's twin brother who was turned by said vampire, and a fiesty witch. The last two were met in modern day New York, where the wizard time-travelled to. Oh yeah, I met Morrigan herself, fairy queen, who has bestowed upon the wizard the quest of finding and destroying the vampire queen in order to save the world. Wizard is having to locate and recruit five others to join in this quest - his twin and the witch being two of them. Hrrmm, yeah, I'm hooked.

34. What did you do last night?
Researched the city of Ptolus for the weekly D&D game I play in, then played in the campaign. Due to an accidentally long nap, I slept through Dancing with the Stars, dang it.

35. Did you wake up before your alarm went off this morning?
Are you kidding me? This never happens unless something wakes me up. I loves me my sleep.

36. Question missing.

37. Question missing.

38. What inspires you?
Inspires me to do what? As far as tagging goes, it could be almost anything. A phrase, a song, something I've seen and thought "that'd be a great tag idea", a graphic, a mood even!

39. Question missing

40. Favourite crisps:
Crisps? I'm assuming from the stubborn use of the letter "u" in Favorite, this isn't an American based questionnaire. Favorite chips - Pringles, hands down. The plain ones are my favorite, although I will make do with either the Cheese flavor or the Sour Cream and Onion. Don't care for the others though.

41. Favourite car:
Mine! 2005 Ford Escape. Bright and deep metallic red, leather upholstery, sun roof, 6 slot CD player, tons of room without feeling like I'm driving a land yacht. It handles like a dream.

42. Favourite flowers:
Tulips, followed by Magnolias and Gardenias.

43. How many keys on your key ring?
Amazingly, just one, my car key. I don't need a key to the front door, as I come into the house via the garage and that door is never locked. I have a key ring with a house key, a key to Mom and Dad's place and a key to a storage building lock, but I ummm have no idea where it is.

44. Can you juggle?
Items? No. Obligations? I'm trying.

45. Favourite day of the week:
You're getting as forgetful as I am. See #23.

46. Red or white wine:
No, thank you.

47. What did you do for your last birthday?
Spent it in the surgical waiting area while JD had his gall bladder removed. Shot our plans for getting away to my favorite casino all to hell. I'm not planning on celebrating my next birthday, which is coming up at the end of October. I'm planning on going into a depressed state.

48. Do you own a donor card?
A card, no. Here in Arkansas (maybe even all the states, I don't know) it's denoted on your driver's license, and mine is. Donate, people! You're not gonna need the organs where you're going and others here can desperately use them! *end of rant*

49. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
I don't do thought for at least an hour and a half after waking up. It's useless. I just run on autopilot until then.

50. What are you doing once this is finished?
Curling up in bed to read until I doze off.

Blips

2006-09-06T04:54:21Z

It's so cool when your kid thinks you are megasmart cuz you can divide 3200 by 10 in your head.

Having a headcold sucks.

Today I was reading about the upcoming events regarding National Breast Cancer Awareness month (October). Different events have all these different logos and stuff, although there is one common theme with which most everyone is familiar -- the pink ribbon. I googled for the different colors of ribbons and while I was browsing them all it kind of stunned me that the color coding thing has gotten out of hand. There's colors for every type of cancer and a multitude of medical/mental maladies, as well as for pretty much any type of situation that would call for mourning. I wear a red wristband in support of my Dad and his fight with lymphoma. The alternative color for lymphoma is neon green. Red also stands for AIDS patients as well as Stroke victims, which is kinda handy as my Mom is a stroke survivor. Every single color had more than one "condition" (for lack of a better word) and several conditions had more than one color. Anyone else see the madness with that? For years I've been a breast cancer supporter, making pink ribbon tags for thousands of people, in honor and support of two aunts that had breast cancer. Last year I started wearing my red band for my Dad. As I was looking over the list I realized that if I wore a band to represent everyone I know that had a medical crisis, you'd not be able to see my arm. This fact aggravated the hell out of me for some reason, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. Then it dawned on me -- they're making it ridiculous. I mean, sure I can understand wearing a band or ribbon for a cause that is near and dear to your heart, hell I do it now, but where exactly do you draw the line? I started a list of all the colors of ribbons/bands I'd need to wear to get everything covered and I gave up at number 11. Did you know that if you are mourning the loss of a son or a male child or a brother, you'd wear a black band along with a light blue one? Black and pink for female. Then there's the curious denotation of Cesareans, which is a burgandy ribbon but work upside down. Right side up that same ribbon denotes Adoptee Awareness. Sure the bands and ribbons are eye catchers, and at one time prompted people to ask what they stood for, but now they are worn so commonly that they've lost their "edge", I fear. And THAT is when it hit me -- It's not about the ribbons and bands, it's about the people! I have spent many many hours at the hospital and clinic with Dad and I've watched countless people going various treatments. I've seen people at their physical worst yet managing somehow to keep going. I've decided that this year instead of doing the pink ribbon tags, I'm going to do a generic cancer tag and that will be the wording on it "It's not about the ribbons or bands. It's about the people." Now, I've just got to get a baby names book and start putting names on the tags. Hopefully I can get these done and ready to go in October.

Today, within a 7 hour period, I got one kid up and off to school, got myself dressed, checked on my other son who was throwing up repeatedly, got to my parents' house, got jumped immediately upon walking in the door by my obsessive mother who was freaking out over some of Dad's medications, got Dad out the door and to Little Rock, listening to him vent about Mom the entire way, sat with him for about two hours while they did their medical magic, talked with Mom (again) via cell to let her vent her frustrations over Dad and his meds, got Dad back home, had a confrontation with my self-absorbed brother about tomorrow's doctor visit for Dad and got him set straight, discussed with Mom (for the third time in one day) about the need for her to back off and stop being so anal and nagging with Dad, as well as setting her straight that while my brother and I love each other we ARE going to have disagreements and get pissed at each other but we'd work it out, talked with sick son twice via cell to check in on him, stopped by the grocery store to get him juice and some other things (forgetting the damn juice in the process even though it was written on my list), got groceries home, unloaded and put away, then listened to youngest son as he went on and on about his day. I crashed for a nap about 5 and honestly probably could have slept until Friday. The headcold isn't helping matters. I woke up at 9:20, late for my weekly Dungeons and Dragons game, tried to focus and couldn't so I made my apologies and left. Then fought with youngest over his homework, and got him into bed finally.

I realized that no matter how crappy the day is, my sons are a frequent source of laughter and love in my life. Today, after youngest came home from school, we were talking and somehow got on the subject of Chinese food. He said we need to go out to eat so he can see JD "squinch" again when he eats wasabi. I lost it. I remember the night he first said that and totally cracked everyone up. He was trying to say "scrunch" and "squint", but the words didn't quite come out, they collided in his brain and thus "squinch" was born.

I have tags to make and I have no energy to do it. I want so badly to work on the Cancer tag, but my brain is mush and I hate everything I've come up with. Actually, the truth is, how do I condense everything I want to say onto a small tag? How to I get my meaning and passion across without ending up with a tag that would fill an entire screen?

Ever have one of those days when your brain is stuck in so high of a gear that it stalls? Does anyone realize how freaky it feels to be thinking of everything at once, yet nothing at all?

I saw today how the stereotypical relationships between Mother and Son and Father and Daughter actually interplay. Within this whole mishmash of crap between Mom badgering Dad and Dad reacting by being stubborn my brother is taking my Mom's side while I'm taking my Dad's. It's true that those bonds are rarely broken.

My brother and his wife are in the process of adopting a baby. While I'm genuinely excited and thrilled for them, a small, petty part of me can't wait until they get that child and my brother realizes that raising kids isn't as easy as it looks. In his mind, I don't work. He has yet to realize that being a parent is a 24/7 job. I can't wait until that realization dawns on him. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it does. I wish I could slap him upside the head then and say "Toldja! Now, apologize, you ass."

Oh yeah, he's feeling better

2006-08-15T04:14:32Z

Finally got to go see Dad tonight. My fever went away for 24 hours so I figured it was safe.

On the way to pick up Mom, I stopped at Target and bought Dad a portable DVD player, along with a couple of Westerns. I've been wanting to get him the player since he started chemo, but he's a typical Dad "Nah, don't waste your money on me."

He's got a DVD player built into the TV in his hospital room, but he's not allowed up without someone being with him, so it sucks that he can't go put in a movie when he wants. This way, it's right there, on the bed tray.

Once I showed him where all the buttons were ... "how to drive it", as he says ... he promptly got involved in the movie and ignored me and Mom.

That's a good sign. *g*

Catching my breath

2006-08-10T06:55:35Z

Dad had his stem cell infusion and it went well. It seems to be taking, but due to this stupid virus he caught, which has caused colitis and left him so weak that he's in the hospital, he isn't bouncing back as fast as he should be. He's so friggen drugged now and on so many antibiotics that his system is just totally drained.

My mother, who since her stroke now obsesses on every single scrap of not-good news (even if it's not extremely bad news), is driving me up the friggen wall. For instance I tell her Dad needs some more clothes and some more Depends (unreal diarrhea due to the antibiotics - and prolly more than you wanted to know) and she immediately tells me that I need to come get him some clothes and stop by and buy him some Depends. *blink* No shit, mom. Bless her heart, her mental capacities now just don't make it possible for her to visit Dad at the hospital for longer than an hour, much less stay there with him. He feels rotten and her constant fussing over him pisses him off. She just gets locked on something mentally and won't/can't let go of it, even if Dad says "No Bonnie, I'm fine." She asked him three times in 7 minutes if he wanted something to drink. The doctor said Dad isn't to get up by himself and she badgered him about it, trying to pound it into his head, then she immediately turned around and told me "Ash, tell your Dad not to get up. Make him understand it." ... then when my brother walked in 15 minutes later she told him the same thing she told me. ARRGGGHHH. I know she can't help it, but damn, it's one more pressure on me to have to deal with.

Tomorrow I have to take Zach to orientation at the high school. All incoming freshmen are expected to attend. So my brother is going to get clothes for Dad and take them to him. I told him "Whatever you do, do NOT take Mom with you."

Dad's on a heart monitor for the next 48 hours, due to his irregular heart beat (not a side effect of the chemo). They are simply being cautious and thorough. He has some fluid in his lungs, which makes it hard for him to move around much and very hard for him to talk. He has hit rock bottom. Even the good news about the fact that he's in complete remission and that his stem cells are taking isn't enough to cheer him up at this point. All he knows is that he feels lousy and that's all he can focus on now. He's in the hospital to get rest and he said it works just fine for him.

I've got some weird sinus/ear thing going on and have been running a low grade fever off an on for the past 36 hours. This makes it very dangerous for me to be around Dad right now. I'm hoping that come Friday I will have been fever free for 24 hours and am able to go visit Dad.

School starts on the 21st, which I can't wait for! It'll mean no more late late nights for me, but the trade off is that I will FINALLY get my daytimes back = more privacy in which to work on my Adult tags/tubes. YAY.

Hmmm ... so much for short huh? LOL

Early Father's Day

2006-06-14T12:11:41Z

We found out today that my Dad's PET and CT scan came back negative, which means that he is finally in complete remission after a year of going through treatment for his lymphoma.

He'll have one more round (3 days) of chemo, then they will re-implant his healthy stem cells that they harvested after his first round of chemo that was done with the new oncologist. They want to make sure that they got every cell and every residual cell.

The treatment being used on him is cutting edge and a proven course of treatment. The hospital that he's going to is the leader in the Nation, possibly the world. I was completely amazed to learn that fact, but apparently doctors come from all over the world to learn the techniques that are being used at the hospital. (It is a teaching facility). They pioneered a new course of treatment and it has a much higher success ratio than what is commonly used in most practices today. I really liked the fact that their policy is "We keep no secrets." They gave us every lab result, every blood work report, everything we asked for. Dad's medical records were never closed to us. If we had a question, they had an answer. They also never gave us false promises either, which was very reassuring. But I think the main thing that I liked about them was that, while they deal with this all the time, they never ever made Dad feel like a guinea pig or just a chart number. They took the time to explain things to him, making sure to adjust for his hearing loss. They never talked down to us, but they didn't talk over our heads either. They gave him all kinds of contact information and made sure that he knew that he wasn't alone in this. That he and his family had a whole network of oncologists and oncology nurses behind him. They gave him a telephone number that he could call 24/7 and it was answered by someone in the clinic, not by some stupid answering service who would have to track a doctor down.

When dealing with life threatening illnesses it is so easy for health care professionals to forget they are dealing with a PERSON, but this entire staff made sure that Dad was felt like it was him who was being treated and not the lymphoma. They definitely take a holistic approach to their treatment.

Sunday is Father's Day and to most people it's probably a nice holiday to remember a few things, to give Dad a new tie and a funny card. Last year I was scared to death that it would be the last one I'd get to share with my Dad. This past year has opened my eyes and really taught me not to take those most important to us for granted. I have seen my Dad at his weakest in this past year, and that was crushing to me. That whole father/daughter thing, yanno. I had to face the fact that my Dad - the Dad who could fix anything, who was always, always there with hugs, support, a kick in the pants and unconditional love - wasn't immortal. That scared the living hell out of me. It still does. I mean, yeah, the day will come when he's no longer physically with me but I wasn't ready for it to be "now" - hell, I'm still not. I don't think I'll ever be ready. Maybe more accepting, but somehow I doubt it.

Umm, yeah .. Dad at his weakest. This is a man who never slowed down, couldn't stand to sit still. He was enjoying working in his new shop since he retired. To see him so weak that he was sleeping for 20 hours a day, but never really resting because he had to get up every two hours to pee, was so hard. He hated it. He hated not having any energy, but he adapted and dealt with it.

Which brings me to what else I've seen this past year. I've seen my Dad at his strongest. Despite all the odds, despite the utter fatigue, the pain from the chemo, the fear that he buried deep so he wouldn't worry us - despite it all the man never gave up. His attitude was one of "Ok, I have lymphoma. Now, what are we going to do about it?" I have to smile when I remember the time he was interviewed, as standard intake procedure, by a social worker and she said "There are perfectly healthy people who aren't as well adjusted as you!" He most definitely had a handle on things, he wasn't in denial but he wasn't going to give in or give up.

I guess in a way he fixed this too.

So yeah, this year's Father's Day is completely different than last.

This year I got the gift.

Fair Warning

2006-06-07T20:45:49Z

When your 15 year old son gets a new guitar and is learning how to play, things get interesting. When he comes to you and wants you to look up tabs for songs together, it is a lot of fun. When he says "Mom, pick a song you like and I'll learn it" you tend to get really flattered, thinking how sweet that is that one of the first songs he wants to learn is one of your choosing.

Word of warning -- choose very carefully.

You're going to hear it over and over and over and over ad nauseum.

Crap by the time he learns this damn song, I'm going to hate it.

Geeze.

Things that make you go "Holyshitthathurts!"

2006-06-04T07:45:21Z

I have two tattoos that never see the light of day and it was bugging me to go through the process of deciding on what kind of image you want and where, (cuz I always change my mind 800 times before I make a decision), and paying for it, and no one but a handful of people actually seeing them. Hell, the one on my ass I don't even see that often. LOL It just kind of seemed like a waste. I mean, yeah, I know tattoos hold special significance for most people and it's that symbolism that you connect with, but hellooo, at the same time you choose to put it on your body as a tangible item to your thoughts, beliefs, desires, fantasies, memories, etc.

JD's sister and her hubby are here for a long weekend visit and she wanted a tattoo, sooo we loaded up and went to get them. I'd been wanting this certain adorable penguin for awhile, just couldn't get off the fence and go do it. Her hubby kept razzing us about how much it was going to hurt and I kept saying "Nah, at worst it'll feel like someone scratching a sunburn." Holy shit, when I got off that table it was wet cuz I was sweating so hard trying not to yank my leg away. Then it was Pat's turn and she got a much smaller one, a shooting star, in the same place (inner ankle area). She just laid back and didn't say much, but when Mel would ask if it hurt she'd say "Nope". He kept teasing us about hearing us scream. (the tattoo parlor's name is Primal Urge and Mel kept saying "should be named Primal Scream" LOL)

Let me tell ya something though - the one on my ass didn't hurt AT ALL. No pain, zip. The one on my hip had an "ouchie" feeling at times, but I chalked that up to all the detail in him. This one on my inner ankle FUCKING.HURT.BAD! Like bad enough that I've seriously thought about popping one of the left over Vicodins from my cyst removal.

I went out to make a call and a few minutes later Pat came outside. It was just us and I asked her "Ok Pat, how bad was it?" and she goes "Fucking hurt like a son of a bitch!" ..... She's 72 years old! *roflmao* I almost fell over laughing. I said "No kidding. If I'd gotten this one first, I'd never have gotten any more!!"

Maybe when the swelling goes down a bit I'll snap a pic of it and post it.

More testing

2006-06-03T09:49:20Z

Hmmm, so if I want to add an image from my Scrapbook, it's always going to be at the top?

To bathe or not to bathe ...

2006-06-03T01:43:02Z

One of the nice things about having a huge jet tub is that when you are tired and sore it is heaven to sink down into the hot water and let the jets soothe the aches and pains. You pour in bath salts or oils and just sink back to experience near bliss.

One of the downfalls of having a huge jet tub is that it's a pain in the ass to clean. It takes twice as long because there's more surface area for the stupid bath salts/oils to adhere to. By the time you have bent and twisted and scrubbed and scoured, you are incredibly sore and all you can think about is sinking into a hot tub with a nice Aromatherapy Muscle Relaxer bath milk.

Which starts the whole blasted process over again.

Ehhh, screw it. I'll take a shower and call it done.

Moving In

2006-06-02T11:12:58Z

Well, we'll see how this goes.

I've known about LJ for years and years, but never ventured over here for one reason or another.

I like the sense of community here. In fact, that's one of the main draws for me. I guess that while I'm highly private about certain aspects of me, and my life, I'm also an exhibitionist at heart. Yeah, I'm a comment and stat junkie. Sometimes I want feedback, other times I couldn't care less.

Wow, so much to figure out as far as the ins and outs of LJ go.